Working My Ass Off

Feb '14, weighing 5kg LESS than Jan '15

It’s January 5, 2015 and I’m at the gym looking down in disbelief. How did this happen? How is it I gained so much when I had a whole thought-out and documented plan to get fit in 2014?

Bigger hips, a rounder ass, and fuller breasts would not have bothered me. Voluptuousness is stunning. There are so many women who naturally have the shape that made Marilyn Monroe so alluring. However, when I gain weight, I look pregnant. The pounds don’t go anywhere else. I can’t tell you how many well-meaning students in Asia asked me if I was going to have a baby and who just looked confused (rather than embarrassed) when I said I wasn’t. When I get fatter, my core feels heavy. It’s a constant state of bloat that doesn’t go away.

I began 2015 weighing more than I ever had in my life. 80.6kg. 177lbs. More than when I tried to lose weight before I turned 40 last year. The internet agreed that it was too much. It may not be enough to get on Biggest Loser, but if I continued the trend of gaining 10kg every two years, I could easily be contestant material in 10 years. Not to mention that my metabolism came to a screeching halt in the last couple of years and I don't imagine it will experience any resurgence.

How did it happen? That’s easy. After not meeting my goals by the time I turned 40 last July, I just gave up. After I finished the half-marathon in September and ticked that box, I secretly and consciously gave myself a pass to forget about it. I ran 13.1 miles without stopping!! Of course I deserved fish & chips and six different pints of craft beer. Weekly. Then there was the long weekend in Lyon in October where I ate nothing but butter laden dishes morning, noon, and night. Then winter came and with it fat-hiding jumpers and pyjamas put on when the sun sets at 4:00 pm.

There was the discovery of the Hungarian Chocolate Balls. Actually, I don’t know if they really are Hungarian or if they’re called Chocolate Balls, but what I do know is that they are sold in the shop next door and are possibly THE most delicious things I’ve ever eaten. For nearly two solid months I had one or two of those after dinner. Dinner which, though healthy-ish, involved several portions. Once a week there was half of an extra-large pizza delivered with fries, Cokes, and unnecessary dip. There were post-pub cheeseburgers, post-work cheeseburgers, and post-waking up cheeseburgers. There was cheese, Spanish ham, chorizo, and countless full-on taco nights.

Oh and Italy. Like the lover you know is going to wreck your life but whom you just can’t get enough of. The eleven days in December flowed by in a constant stream of pasta, pastries, pizza and mind-blowing foodgasms. Followed by Christmas and all its gloriousness. New Year’s Day came and went without resolutions. I felt so gross. My clothes didn’t fit. I started absent-mindedly stroking the beginnings of a double chin.

1 of about 3 pictures of me in Italy because I didn't want to see my body

And then I booked a trip to Iowa and made a plan. Lose 10kg (22lbs) before I go to Iowa in 16 weeks, but in a way that I would be able to maintain. In other words, “lifestyle changes” rather than starvation or kale cleanses. I narrowed down my bad habits to these three: 1) unnecessary sugar/desserts, 2) too big and too many portions, 3) alcohol. I started by eliminating the easiest one first, sugar and desserts. I’m more into savoury foods and usually just eat chocolate and sweet stuff because it’s there (as a result of living with a sugar addict). The first week back to work after the winter holiday, I was met with everyone trying to pawn off their leftover Cadbury’s from Christmas. There were mountains of chocolate on every staffroom table. I grit my teeth and resisted.

Every website I looked at dedicated to weight loss recommended keeping a food journal. I rolled my eyes at this, thinking it was so lame. But I was willing to do anything, so every evening for a month, I crawled into bed with the laptop, entered the data into my Word document, and calculated the calories. It made me accountable as for some reason, I felt it would be embarrassing to have to enter in “Hungarian Chocolate Balls”. And in order to be able to honestly enter “1 medium portion”, I started giving S a lot more than myself and putting a portion away for lunch the next day. I ate an orange for dessert and brushed my teeth soon after. Who wants to disrupt that clean and minty fresh mouthfeel?

Alcohol was trickier as I do love me some wine while I cook, but then I discovered that two glasses of wine has over 300 calories, which is like eating a big slice of cake or pizza. I could only have 1500 a day and it just didn’t fit into the calorie budget, so I *mostly* cut it out during the week.

When I tried to lose weight last year, I made Friday the “cheat day”, but somehow it always ended in a three day binge involving pizza. I decided cheat meals were acceptable but not entire days. And cheat meals could not involve sugar/desserts or fast food. The weekends are still my Achilles heel, but I’m getting better.

To help create the calorie deficit, I added more exercise to my routine and started walking to and from work every day, which is 45 minutes each way. It’s actually about the same time as the bus when you factor in walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus (which is never on time).

The first week, I lost 1kg. That was all the motivation I needed to continue. I honestly think that if I hadn’t seen a result after the first week, I would have given up. I became a bit obsessed and spent hours looking at websites, searching for recipes, reading success stories, reading (often conflicting) articles about food and nutrition. It was a bit over the top, but motivating.

After a month or so, I noticed a shift in my thinking. During the first month, every time I walked past the countless pubs, restaurants, and chippers on my walk home, I felt a sense of sadness and longing. I felt I was being denied something that everyone else in the world got to do. Oh woe IS me. Why can’t I have a kebab or a pint with a side of crisps? Then I remembered my 20s. Long nights in bars, chain smoking and flirting with strangers. Jukeboxes, pool, and correcting the bad grammar of the graffiti in the toilets. I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle, fun as it often was. So couldn't bad food be like that? A thing of the past—a closed chapter? Not having a cheeseburger is not denying myself pleasure anymore than not going to night club is. I’ve had more than enough cheeseburgers in my life. I’ll always have fond memories of all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets and foot-long subs with extra mayo.

I reached the goal and the fact that I did is more satisfying than the thinness itself. When I do feel tempted by something I just remind myself how much exercise I would have to do to burn it off. 20 seconds of pleasure is not worth the 45 minutes of torture on the cross trainer machine. I definitely still indulge in naughtiness such as craft beer or pizza, but I figure out a way to make up for it. It’s a constant balancing act but the calculations have become almost automatic.

In the last two years, I've been astonished to discover that if I set a goal, I can accomplish it. I've never been a goal-oriented person. I drifted through university in a daze, found travel destinations by gut feelings, and have always approached work as a series of tasks to be done as efficiently and effectively as possible. But these goals of running and weight loss are physical and tangible.  I've never had big GOALS in the realms of my personal and creative life. If I could only figure out what these more elusive goals are, I might be able to start a plan to reach them....

 

The Road to 40: 50/50 Vision

In 3 weeks, I will hit the top of the symbolic crest, arbitrarily determined to be the last stop before the path to oblivion. In January I set weight loss and health goals to meet before this day dawns on July 1. And well, I’m pretty much exactly where I started. The onus of failure lies completely with me and my lack of will power. However, I’m going to deflect the blame and have a little rant about the internet and how its lack of definitive answers is driving me batshit crazy.

Google Search: Is running good for weight loss?

First hit: “4 ways running is best for weight loss”

Fourth hit: “5 reasons why running may not help you lose weight”

As I’ve mentioned before, I love running. It’s outside; it’s interesting; it’s the closest I’ve gotten to meditation. But according to some health experts, it may not be so great for weight loss. Something about lactic acid and glucose and whatever. So I started only doing shorter and less frequent runs and then trying “interval training” which  when translated means, “the most boring form of torture invented”. What I found was that I started dreading going to the gym and I really missed my runs.

So, I’m going to say feck it to the experts and do what I enjoy.

Burning calories isn’t really the problem though. It’s shoving the calories in faster than they can be burned. And here is where the internet is at its most maddening.

Google search: Is fruit ok for weight loss?

Some sites say eat all the fruit you want, some say don’t eat very much, especially those evil bananas because all that sugar turns to fat. Some sites say eat only red and purple fruits and only when Jupiter is aligned with Mars. I eat a banana and an apple every day. Sometimes I throw in an orange just for the rainbow effect. So again, experts, feck it.

Google search: Are grains good for weight loss?

First hit: “Heath gains from whole grains”

Second hit: “How grains are slowly killing you.”

This tends to be a heated topic with opinions ranging from “whole grains are the foundation of a healthy diet” to “grains have made mankind less intelligent and are the root of all diseases”. I tried a no grain diet for 2 weeks and though I did feel “lighter”, I knew I wouldn’t be able to ignore the giant bag of basmati rice in my cupboard forever.

Google search: Is meat good for you?

First hit: “Meat and cheese may be as bad as smoking.”

Second hit: “Seven evidence-based health reasons to eat meat”

Ethics aside, the topic of meat and dairy seems to inspire the most vitriol in people on both sides of the healthy food debate. Some scream warnings about cancer, diabetes, and dropping dead early from a heart attack. Others shout back that we wouldn’t even be here with our current brain size if it weren’t for all that nutritious buffalo we consumed 10,000 years ago. One thing they do agree on is that meat from happy grass-fed animals that haven’t been pumped up on antibiotics is better. Trying the Paleo Diet meant a lot more meat, which was ok, but sometimes a girl needs fried paneer with peas and mushrooms in a yogurt curry sauce. Over rice.

The above is just a sampling of the type of stuff I find myself sifting through day after day. It’s exhausting and infuriating. I’m starting to feel like I'm spending all my time thinking about this stupid weight loss plan. Fretting that the exercise and food choices are being counterproductive. Impulsively changing the plan so that I can no longer even measure what's working and what isn't.  Constantly looking in the mirror and poking myself in the gut. Knowing deep down I just need more will power. Feeling bad.

According to healthcentral.com I am at my ideal body weight for my height and body frame. According to medicalnewstoday.com I’m overweight. Am I at the place of maintenance rather than weight loss? Should I just accept it and be glad that I haven’t gotten any bigger in the last 5 months?

It feels so pointless and petty. The only thing I can do, the only thing that makes sense is to do everything in moderation. Which I can manage Monday to Thursday. Weekend Erika, however, continues to have a different agenda.

The Road to 40: Month 4

May 4, 2014

After my week long binge of pasta, cured meats, and wine in Italy, I came back to discover I'd gained 1.5 kg (a little over 3lbs). This was not surprising. What did come as shock though was that the number kept going up by little increments each time I weighed in. A cycle of panic followed by apathy followed by panic began to set in and I knew that if I didn't do something, I was going to enter my 5th decade feeling like a colossal (literally) failure.

I needed to feel a bit of success and lose at least 1 kg to know that it was possible. I considered my options. Juice diet? Raw vegetables and flax seeds? Lemon juice and water? Dysentery? I wanted to try something that I could sustain and that would still allow me to cook creatively. To make a long story short, I started on a "detox cleanse" which morphed into the "Paleo Diet", which has a lot of overlap with gluten-free and the Atkins diet (the main difference is that you can eat as many carbs as you want just not from grains). What I've given up: coffee, grains (rice, bread, pasta), potatoes, dairy, and alcohol during the week (a girl has her limits). There are a lot of squabbles in the "Paleo community" about legumes (beans, pulses, and peanuts), but most say these should be given up too. I don't think I'll give them up completely but for the first week, I only had a handful of black beans (with an egg for breakfast) and hummus for a snack with carrots. And the "experts" do say to follow the 80/20 rule...

What can one eat? Meat (small portions from pasture-grazed animals). I've been eating vegetarian about 50% of the time for the last couple of months, so I actually ate more meat than  usual which didn't feel 100% "right". In the last week, I only had chicken in a couple of meals. Vegetables and lots of them! Fruit, nuts, avocado (the best food on the planet), coconut milk (great for curries and desserts), nut milk and nut butter. With a pantry full of spices and a gazillion Asian markets nearby, the possibilities for great meals are endless.

Some of the meals I've created: miso vegetable soup, Thai coconut curry soup (homemade paste), tacos (lettuce as tortillas), steak with broccoli chimichuri sauce, vegetable omelette, and my favourite discovery: cauliflower rice. Blitz the florets until they are rice-sized, fry with some onions, and have with a curry. Just like the real thing but actually more flavourful. Another cool trick: Zucchini pasta. Use a peeler and shave off long strands of zucchini. Put in a strainer with salt for 20 minutes to drain the water. Fry in a little oil for 2 minutes. Serve with pesto or "Asian" stir fry. Desserts: shakes with frozen berries, banana, and either almond or coconut milk. And I made little lemon coconut cookies with coconut flour, coconut oil, egg, and lemon zest/juice.

And this: a hamburger with mushrooms as buns :)

Results? In 7 days,
weight loss: 1 kg
pants size: same but much looser
energy level: much increased as well as just feeling better and lighter. The first couple of days without coffee made me feel sluggish and a bit hung over, but then I felt fine and actually felt less sleepy at the end of the day.

I'm sure one big reason for the success is that overall, I just ate less at each meal and cut out chocolate and cookies. I don't plan to be too hard-core about following all the rules of the diet. The premise of the diet is that our bodies are genetically designed to eat meat, fruits, and vegetables (what man ate during the Palaeolithic Age and not the stuff that came as a result of the Agricultural Revolution). BUT that was a long time ago and perhaps our bodies have evolved to be able to deal with grains just fine and after all, people didn't live so long in the Palaeolithic times, did they? So I don't think a few lentils or a bowl of basmati now and again are going to kill me.

What's interesting though is that I told myself I could have a "cheat day" this weekend and eat a big cheeseburger if I so desired. But I didn't desire one! Fingers crossed that this is the type of "lifestyle change" that will stick.

***** Update: After 12 days on the diet I did have one cheat day and enjoyed a Panini for lunch (I discovered a restaurant called Taste of Emilia, which has food from the Emilia-Romagna region!) followed by a cheeseburger for dinner from our local chipper. But I'm back on track.

Next week's goals are to continue on the diet but to change up the exercise routine. I'm reading more and more evidence that running is not only good for the joints, etc in the body, but also that it doesn't do much for weight loss. Apparently, "interval" training is the way to go. Run or pedal like crazy for a minute or so, rest a minute or so, and repeat. I've gotten into a rut of running and doing cardio at the gym and some resistance machines for the arms. From what I've read, I need to use more free weights and change up the cardio more. I don't know if I'll give up running completely as I do love the high it gives me.

For the month of May, I've got my culinary and exercise goals in place. Now if only I could something about my (lack of) social life.....

The Road to 40: Month 3

This post is late because on April 1 (when I normally would have made the update), I was stuffing myself senseless on Italian food in Bologna, Italy. My visit to Italy was a cheat day that happened to last 168 hours. Into my gullet went a dozen different hams, tortellinis packed with bursts of goodness, freshly-made tagliatelle in a winey, creamy, rich ragu; light airy ricotta, jazzy artichokes; pungent and sharp parmesan cheese, surreal gelato, and each culinary symphony accompanied by a bubbly and refreshing Prosecco or Lambrusco. Consequences? Yes. Guilt? No.

Weight: up .6kg
Pants size: Same    Belt notch: same   Pants feeling: Snug

This last week, the trips to the gym have had a dual purpose. One, I've needed to rid myself of the toxins of indulgence. After a 45 minute step machine session on the first day back, I swear I exuded a deli-like aroma. I know I should be "making up" the lost time, but I've kept the same routine. I tell myself a half-assed or 70%-assed workout is better than a no-assed workout, but I don't know if it's true and I don't want to google it.

Not only have I needed to burn away the evidence  of sampling culatello ham that had cured beautifully for 24 months, I've had to combat an especially dark and draining bout of depression. I think if anything had gone awry on the Monday morning after the holiday, such as not having milk for coffee, missing the bus, or finding the copy machine broken, I would have dropped to the floor like a wet sack of laundry and remained there until someone carted me out. As it turned out, the day was fine, classes were fine, gym was fine, dinner was fine. But mentally, I did not feel so fine.

But with each subsequent workout, run, and productive teaching day, the pit of despair closed a bit more and as I type this, I feel more or less my usual self--somewhere between Sylvia Plath and Rose Nylan. So what the hell was the problem?

Because I don't have kids, pets, political causes, a garden, or houseplants to take my attention outside of myself, I have a lot of extra time to get stuck inside. Lately, I've become more hyper-aware of the passing of time. When I lived in Thailand, time didn't seem to pass because I wasn't working a lot, there was no changing of seasons to mark the time, and nothing about my life situation felt permanent because it wasn't. Now, the days whiz by and I'm physically assaulted in my chest with the knowledge that there won't be enough time. Not enough time to see all of the world, not enough time to see everyone I miss, not enough time to learn some new trade, not enough time to eat in every restaurant or drink in every pub (if I had a 100 years ahead of me, there wouldn't be enough time for that in Dublin!); not enough time to try every recipe; not enough to read every book, see every film; not enough time.

Am I dying and some part of me knows it? Am I having a mid-life crisis? Should I buy a plant?

I could write something about how I'm learning to "live in the moment" but actually, I think that idea is a load of bollocks. If I didn't have any regard for the future, I would just drink wine or Guinness all day and eat arepas. And yes, I should be more "grateful for the little things" though I do love the small and free random things like Dublin clouds and listening to seagulls, even if they steal snacks from my hand as I walk down the street. I need something more meaningful than platitudes and I feel it's there right on the tip of my tongue. Perhaps I need to quit confusing my tongue with sparkling wines and succulent ham in order to find it.

The Road to 40: Month 2

Well let's cut to the chase. As of today, the following is true:

Weight: Exactly the same as last time. Down to the .4 kg.
Pants size: Same. Belt notch: Same. Body shape: Mostly the same.

I've decided there are many possible explanations for this.

1) The scale is wrong and shows 76.4 kg for every person who stands on it, including the lithe and curvy Brazilians and the even more diminutive 5ft Korean girls.

2) My body, having been used to living in tropical climes, is hording fat in fear that winter will never end and I may starve. A kind body, that.

3)  Fat, that light fluffy stuff creating tiny dimples under the skin, is being converted to that heavy, hard stuff called muscle.

4) I am somehow magically eating the exact same number of calories I am burning, therefore not gaining or losing any weight.

5) I totally suck at this.

The explanation that I'm going with is a combination of 3 and 4. I've been mostly consistent with the regime of alternating morning runs and afternoons of cardio, free weight exercises, and planking. I may be completely deluding myself, but the jiggly areas do seem a bit less jiggly. I can see the top of my rib cage and I can tell a bit better where muscles in my arms begin and end.

Ah, food. My muse and my monkey. On the positive side, I've cut out a lot of garbage like biscuits (cookies in American English), chocolate bars, pastries, and cake. For snacks, I eat more nuts, hummus, fruit, etc. I cook dinner 6 days a week, using all fresh ingredients. But what can you do when your sweet Korean student offers you a chocolate moon pie at the bus stop?? Or when you've had too many pints and the only thing open is the chipper? Or your husband feels like he can't face the next day if he doesn't have pizza?

I was reminiscing today about my weight loss attempts in my 20s. How many of those disgusting, non-filling Lean Cuisine meals did I eat? Will I get cancer from all those medallions of mystery meat? There is absolutely no way that I'm going to stop cooking (and eating) natural, quality food. But as I said in my post last month, I need to do better with portion control. So I think in general I'm eating better calories but still too many. Some food scientists say that eating 800 calories worth of salad and nuts is better than 800 calories of crisps because your body uses more energy to process the salad and nuts than the crisps. But it probably doesn't really matter if really you should only be taking in 300 calories.

One thing I've realized is that any lifestyle change must be maintainable and sustainable. This is why I no longer dye my hair or pluck my eyebrows. There's no way I can keep up with the maintenance. So I was a bit wary when I joined the gym. I actually hate the free weights part of my health regime. Oh God, is it boring. Lift your arm 10 times. Squat 10 times. Rest. Repeat 3 times. Try not to make eye contact with any other people doing the same thing. But I can maintain this because it is only 30 minutes out of my day. 30 minutes less reading or watching TV. And I save my most interesting podcasts just for this bit of torture. Or I daydream about my next life. Or whatever. It's doable.

So my mood today is "feck what the scale says" because after a session of 40 minute cardio and sets of free weight exercises or a 10k fun, I feel freaking fantastic. And that's the real point.

Typed after a decadent meal of Chinese take out..........

The Road to 40: Month 1

In a status update at the end of last year, I wrote that in 2013, I had become a wife, runner, and resident of an English-speaking country. What I didn't write was that these three things had made me feel permitted to consume everything in sight. I didn't just "let myself go", I let myself go berserk, packing on pounds by stuffing my face with all that a Western country has to offer: fish&chips, cheese, pizza, bread, actual beef, sausages, chocolate yule tide logs, etc. And even though I usually cooked healthy meals full of vegetables and all natural ingredients, I ate enough for 2 or 3 people, giving myself permission because I run 4 days a week.

So January 1 arrived and with it, the awareness that in exactly 6 months I would crest the big hill of 40 before starting the downward slide. But rather than feel depressed and anxious about this milestone, I felt inspired to see it as a challenge and opportunity. I don't know where it came from. I really did just wake up one day and feel that way. The first thing I had to do was decide what my goals were and then make them realistic and measureable.

The thing I'm more afraid of than my life being one giant waste is that I'll get cancer. I convince myself that every weird twinge, pain, or weird mark is cancer and that I'll have months to live. More than anything I want to live a long pain free life. I want my body to feel good and be able to fight against any of the damage caused by living in China, genetics, and my 20s. Having low stress, good health, and a strong social network are some factors that prevent that terrible disease. Low stress, check. Strong social network, not so much. Ok, let's tackle health then.

had not yet mastered setting the camera to take self pic

Setting a specific weight goal was a bit tricky because I grew up with someone who definitely has a textbook case of body dysmorphia and I didn't want to have the same fixation and perpetual dissatisfaction with both how I perceive myself to look and the numbers. In fact because of this fear, I hadn't stepped on a scale in years and barely looked at myself from the waist down. After getting on the scale this month, I know I'm not that overweight and maybe not overweight at all. My BMI (body mass index) is 24 and according to WebMD, 25 is overweight. After a fair bit of looking at various health websites and soul-searching, I decided on one aspect of the Road to 40 Plan.

Weight as of Jan 1: 167 lbs (76kg)
Pants size: 12 (14 UK)
Weight Goal: 150-155 lbs, pants size 10.
Reduce ostrich stomach.

self-taken mug shot January 6.

To lose one pound a week, I need to take in about 250 fewer calories and burn 250 extra. I run about 4 times a week, each run is about 9km and 50 minutes. This probably burns about 400-500 calories. But rather than do more running, I decided that I needed to work on my entire body and not just the few muscle groups used in running. And a stronger body burns more fat and yadayadadadyadada. So I joined a gym that is about 2 blocks from my apt. And lord help me, paid to have someone torture me a few times so I could learn how to torture myself. The Sadist (a.k.a. Dean) is an incredibly knowledgeable young lad with various degrees and accolades who believes strongly in weight training and something evil called planking to work The Core. After the first session, I couldn't walk for 4 days, but my body is beginning to relent and just go with it. In fact, my body seems to really be enjoying it like its got some kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

Exercise Goal: do the workout Dean taught me M,W,F with a bit of cardio thrown in. Keep running on T,Th, S mornings.

I also set intellectual/creative goals when 2014 rolled in and one of these was to approach my love of cooking in a systematic way and learn basic techniques and classic recipes as well as practice the more difficult dishes of European and Asian cuisine. I have been a rock star at this goal (the posts are braising in my mind as I type) but creating (and enjoying the creations) is in direct conflict with my weight goal. I've been cooking things like standing rib roasts, legs of lamb, shepherd's pie, cannelloni in béchamel sauce topped with cheese, braised pork belly and apples, various risottos, kofte platters, French onion soup, Spanish omelettes, real Bolognese sauce, Thai bbq ribs, a ton of different curries, and so so many more.

my unorganized pantry

Eating less is my biggest challenge. I love food. I can barely remember any of the museums, temples, and UNESCO heritage sites I've seen in the last 8 years, but I can remember EVERY great meal: the flavours, textures, and smells, the setting, my mood, etc. So I'm not going to give up good food and start eating a grilled chicken breast with a side of steamed vegetables. But I need to do portion control and cut out processed desserts (someone please tell my husband to stop buying chocolate cookies and lemon cheesecake!), and eat naughty food (pizza, pub food, Chinese take out) less frequently.

Food goal: Experiment with vegetarian dinners 2-3x a week, fish 1x a week. Make less food and/or immediately put some in a container for next day's lunch. Go out for dinner only 1x a week.

It's February 1 and some goals are on track while some are definitely not. In my defence, I didn't actually start until January 6 when I went back to work and there were those four days I was out for the count due to my inability to move my legs, but I could do better and shall.

Weight loss goal: 0 lost, pants size the same. Ostrich stomach still in place.
Exercise goal: about 75%. I cheated and finished workouts early a couple of times. Running is on track.
Food goal: FAIL. I've been cooking much healthier meals but I still eat too much of them in one sitting and my cheat day often turns into a 2 day binge fest.

However, I do feel something going on internally. I have more energy and just simply feel better.

I'm writing this post mostly because I believe that "saying it out loud will make it more real" and will keep me from cheating and just going back to old habits. But as I write it, I'm thinking about how people will react, so let me just say to the critics that are in my head: I  know I'm lucky that I don't have kids, that I only work about 30 hours a week, and that I have the extra income to stock my pantry with exotic spices and fresh veggies and meat. I know I don't have that difficult of a road to travel. But it's my road and I just want to document what happens. That is all.