On Being Stubborn

In my Intermediate class the students are categorizing personality adjectives into “positive”, “negative”, and “It depends” columns. They’ve easily placed generous, stingy, and are quite clever when explaining that easy-going is positive when making plans with friends, but maybe not so positive when there are tight deadlines at the office. And then we come to the word, “stubborn”. They are all quite adamant that it is negative. And here I’m surprised by this show of unanimity that goes quite contrary to my own thinking.

First we suss out the definition. The Cambridge Learner’s On-line dictionary states that it means “determined not to change your ideas, plans, etc, although other people want you to”. I add that it could also mean, “determined not to change although you (probably) should for your own good”.

selfie which I had to upload to my computer

I then take out my Nokia phone. I make a big show of how it’s able to send texts, do conversions, and operate as a tiny flashlight. I kiss my phone and tell it I love it. I ask them what I’m missing out on and the list seems endless. I ask them, “Should I get a smart phone?” and again I’m confronted with this international unanimity. “Of course!”. I then tell them why I will resist getting one as long as I can.

I’m stubborn about my phone. I know my life would be easier if I upgraded. I could check the real bus time, look up that actor’s name I suddenly can’t remember, find my way around new cities without a map, watch as many videos of cute cats as the 25 minute bus journey will allow. I could use my phone as a boarding pass and eliminate a bit of paper. I could take a picture of the “Just Chicken. Crispy as Cluck” sign I see when I never have my camera with me. Then I could post that funny picture and not have to wait to get home, find the wire, and import the photos onto my laptop. I could prop my phone on a shelf and follow youtube tutorials about how to make gyoza.

in my favourite pub in Antwerp, Belgium

BUT when I see everyone huddled over their phones on buses, while walking down the street, when driving, and at restaurants and pubs with their friends, it makes me feel equal parts sad and disgusted. A few months ago I was at a nature park with a friend and she was on her phone the entire time. In a park with trees and animals and stuff!

I don’t want to be addicted to a phone and so I’m stubborn about not getting a new one.

The students seem satisfied with this explanation and ask if we could say that it is “usually” negative rather than “always” and I concede. But it makes me wonder what other areas of my life are affected by stubbornness and if it’s a bit more detrimental than just being a bit weird and eccentric.

For a long time, I refused to buy good shoes because I thought the overinflated price tag was just to have the honor of wearing a name brand. However after the first magical run with a pair of Muzuno’s bought with a gift voucher, I never again bought discount or off-brand runners. And my feet and knees are much appreciative. So I'm not stubborn to a fault.

I refuse to wear a lot of make-up though it might make me look fresher and younger. I refuse to buy boots because I’d rather be comfortable than stylish. I refuse to get out of my robe on the weekends at times though I know I’d feel more energetic and productive. These things aren’t a big deal and could be just chalked up to my “personality and style,”  right?

some would argue this is self-medication

But then there’s the issue of refusing to take anti-depressants despite the fact that nearly everyone in my family uses them and that I am often, profoundly depressed. Yet, I just refuse to believe that they are the answer. I know the argument: “If you had diabetes, you’d take the insulin, right? Well, if you have messed up brain chemistry, you take these SSRI’s, see?” Well…. I suspect that my depression stems from a life that is too easy and devoid of any focus outside myself. If I had a kid or a job like cancer researcher or minister, maybe I’d feel more fulfilled. Maybe if I could successfully practise mindfulness or could remember to write down three things I’m thankful for every day, maybe I’d stop questioning what the big purpose is. I don’t know. But when the black void makes me feel like I’m moving in wet cement, the stubbornness makes me grit my teeth, suck it up, put on a face, and get on with it. Could good feelings gained through a pill be as cherished as those that are won though sheer will power? It sounds hollow, I know. But that's stubbornness.

find peace among the deer

There’s a grey area where stubbornness and determination overlap and I’d like to think that this space is where the positivity of stubbornness shines. By not having a phone, I’m determined to look out the window, let my mind wander, or in rarer moments, actually talk to somebody. By not taking drugs, I’m more determined to enjoy small moments, find meaning where none may exist. Or this could all just be bullshit and stubbornness is just me finding a muted version of happiness the hard way.