The Space around the Photos: In Defense of Seemingly Fake Positivity

Flicking through the albums I've posted on facebook, my husband says, "Wow. These make our life seem so amaaaaaazing." I get his drift. He's the only one who knows, of course, that they don't show the icky bits minutes, hours, and days before and after. For example, they don't show the day after visiting the charming medieval village when I couldn't get out of bed.

For ten hours straight I watched an entire season of "The Real Housewives". I didn't eat or bathe and I grunted when spoken to. The beautiful ancient Italian city outside my apartment, yet to be fully explored, might as well have been Mars. There was not one bit of carpe diem that day.

And this was BEFORE I found out that my dream of living and working in Italy was dead, simply because I was born on the wrong side of the Atlantic. THEN I really had something to be depressed about. But that's another story.

Two or three times a year I have days where I'm completely incapacitated by my oldest and dearest pal, Depression. She's followed me across the globe, tumbling out of every overhead compartment despite my best efforts to secure her away into the deepest and darkest of recesses.

She follows me on runs, but luckily after two or three kilometres, she gives up the chase. This is why I run nearly every day.

So how do I get myself up off the couch and functioning again? I just get myself up off the couch and functioning again! If you listen to Mark Kermode's film review, you'll get that lame joke. I've just learned to will myself out of it, much like you have to force yourself awake during a very unpleasant bout of sleep paralysis.

Why only bullshit happy posts then? Why not be real and post on facebook, "Can't get out of bed today. Hashtag: depression sucks"? Many reasons. I don't want to. If I don't say it, it's not real. Other people have real problems. Etc, etc.

BUT, know this: The happy photos are not brags. They're not attempts to be deceptive or try to outhappy others. They're for her, Depression. They're my way of telling her to f**k right off. And when I see the photographic evidence of my relatively good life (health, partnership, adventure), she does.

In Nomad Limbo

I've been here before, feet straddled across two countries. This time my left foot is rooted in Dublin as the right reaches across England, ready to slip itself inside the Boot.

This is the worst moment. Time crawls and the excitement of the new adventure is overshadowed by sadness and self-doubt. How could I leave this amazing city full of people who love me? How could I leave my perfect, cosy apartment a stone's throw from everything cool, including the best craft beer in Ireland and a huge park full of tame deer? How could I leave a job I enjoy where I'm treated and paid well? What am I doing?

Life has been full these past four years. I've felt contentment. I ran four half-marathons, lost weight, wrote 50 stories, saw good movies in beautiful cinemas, went to museums and comedy festivals, became a part-time vegetarian and cooked every day, went on holidays, and still saved money. I tell myself this list because there were steps backwards: I gained most of the weight back, watched too much TV, sat too much, and didn't make too many friends. I got soft. This is what happens when a nomad stays in one place too long.

To get over the anxiety of this next move and to make the time go a little faster, I'm trying to focus on my main goals for this next chapter:

1. Learn the Language. I've never formally studied the language of a foreign country I've lived in. We're not working for two months so as to study in a language school. Though I won't likely ever be proficient enough to discuss "The Divine Comedy", I would like to be able to say more than "Where's the toilet?"

2. Talk to People. People usually think I'm shy or aloof (or both), when really I have no qualms talking to others (it's what I do for a living) but I prefer having internal dialogues and my own company in general. If I'm going to achieve Goal 1, I'm going to have to be more extroverted.

3. Bin the Star Pants. I have two pairs of comfy pajama bottoms with a star pattern, a star-patterned robe and slippers. When these come on, the brain shuts off and there is no chance I'll be going outside. No star pants means no TV, no long stretches in cyberworld watching videos of goats and kittens. This next chapter is about Exploring. Learning. Doing.

4. Change my "Style". For the last five years, I've only bought clothes from charity shops (tops, because second hand pants? Gross). Cheap. Fewer choices to get overwhelmed by. Unique items. Money goes to a good cause and fewer clothes in the landfill. Now these clothes are stuffed into four large bags to re-enter the cycle. If I'm going to one of the fashion capitals of the world, I'd like to have a bit of style. I have no idea how that's going to manifest itself. But I hope I have a Pretty Woman moment in a shop.

At this moment, Wednesday morning 27 hours before my departure: I can't bear to go but I'm so ready to go. Limbo.

Moral Food Compass

In general, I am much more moved by and attached to my four-legged friends than my bi-pedal cohorts. Oh, the rivers I could have filled with my tears for animals!  I wept for days for Bambi. I supressed choked sobs when in 6^th grade science class, we watched a nest of ducks get run over by a bulldozer. Sarah McLaughlin inflicted 90 seconds of torture with her SPCA ads. And the worst, of course, the good-byes I’ve whispered into the soft triangles on the heads of my own furry friends.

 

Despite this affinity for creatures, I don’t think it is wrong to eat an animal. Even the cute ones. Meat is arguably why we humans are so super smart; meat gives us a lot of nutrients we need; meat is the only livelihood for many farmers who have non-arable land; not everyone lives near a co-op or has access to ingredients for a balanced vegetarian diet; and dammit, meat is tasty, especially put on a stick and grilled.

cute and delicious Italian goats

 

However, the way animals are raised and slaughtered would give the 1kg per day carnivore nightmares. It’s absolutely horrifying. And so, so unnecessary. The current demand for meat far outweighs what is necessary for our bodies. We only need about 500g per week which is the equivalent of a steak and a couple of chicken breasts. Most Americans eat nearly twice that amount. Not only is meat (especially red and processed meat) connected to cancer and heart disease, its production is disastrous for the environment. But the big cheeses in agribusiness don’t want us to know that! If we reduced our intake by half, thus making it possible to afford high-quality, hormone-free, grass-fed happy animal products, a lot of corporate farms would fall (or buy the farm, so to speak).



horrifically unhappy animals

But there’s also guilt I feel regarding the plant part of the diet. I fret about the damage done to the environment during the transportation of all those exotic fruits and vegetables I buy at the Asian supermarket. I worry about the deforestation that’s occurring so that I can put guacamole on my vegetarian tacos. I can’t ignore the vast amount of water that California uses so I can get my calcium and Vitamin E from a handful of almonds. And don’t get me started on all that plastic packaging of vegetables and grains that ends up in the landfills. Oh yeah, and what about all those kids who spend hours a day for a few pennies picking these nuts, vegetables, and fruits.



avocado farms in Mexico

Going down the ethical rabbit hole is exhausting, so in the last year, I’ve had to set my moral compass in a way that I can live with. I only eat a bit of meat on the weekends and I try not to buy too many avocados. I don’t adhere to my rules all the time (no way I’m going to eat tofurkey on Thanksgiving) and I’ve given myself permission to let the rules change and evolve as I (hopefully) do.



tofurkey-gross!
 

Cutting down on meat has been fairly easy. It’s all about substituting it with ingredients that have a good “mouth-feel” and using lots of tasty colourful vegetables, grains, and spices.

I've cut out chicken in stir-fries and substitute it with cashew nuts. A big bag of cashews costs 2 euro can be used in 3-4 meals, whereas 2 free-range chicken breasts costs 4 euro.

cashews taste great fried

 

I hated cauliflower for the first 40 years of my life until I discovered how roasting it in the oven transforms it into something that is hearty enough to be a main and even more delicious than meat. I use it as I would baked chicken and serve it with rice or quinoa, a veg, and a sauce. A head of cauliflower costs about 1.50 euro; 2 chicken breasts is about 4.

tandoori cauliflower



roasted cauliflower with romesco sauce (vegan meal)

Finely chopped mushrooms can take the place of half or all mince in ragu and lentils can replace mince in chilli. A box of mushrooms costs .89 euro. Mince is pretty cheap (2 euro for 400g of pork and 3 euro for beef) and can vary depending on how much fat is in it. More fat=cheaper.

looks like mince pork but shrooms, carrots, onion

 

Ok, I know that there is as much of an issue with dairy production as meat (and it's not that much healthier), but a couple times a week won't kill me. And pan fried cheese is heaven. Paneer for one meal is a bit more expensive at 2.60 euro and haloumi is maybe 3.50. Still cheaper than steak.

fried paneer and vegetable curry



fried haloumi and a salsa and dirty rice

Chickpeas are amazing because they're healthy, toothsome, cheap, and have a lovely flavour. Also, using more carrots (cut 'em small and they're nearly invisible), celery, and vegetables in stew and soups can cut out some of the meat content. I'll be honest. I don't have the time and patience to buy dry chickpeas and soak them overnight and then cook them. They're much cheaper this way, but a can is .59 which is still a hell of a lot cheaper than meat.

chickpea, mango, vegetable curry (vegan)

The foods I love best: lasagne, burgers, tacos, etc are often because of the sauces or toppings. So I've made those the star and don't really miss the meat.  

 

spinach bean Mexican lasagne



black bean burger



Some vegetarian dishes can easily be mains and are quite filling on their own. One eggplant costs about 1 euro.

baked eggplant



homemade falafel (another great use for chickpeas!)

But of course, when I do get a hankering for a bit of steak, I try to put it in a healthy vehicle and limit the amount. These lettuce leaves are about .89 a pack. A package of tortillas is about 3 euro.

Korean lettuce wraps



lamb, cabbage salad, hummus, baked plantain chips

 

I feel fortunate that I like to cook and I live with somebody who enjoys my experiments. I don't have to worry about any kids who'd rather sit at a table for 7 hours in protest than eat a vegetable. I can't boast weight loss or a reversal of the aging process. Nor am I sure if my meals are that much cheaper when you factor in the cost of the ingredients of my pantry, but I do feel "lighter" and a bit healthier and my conscious regarding cows and avocados is somewhat eased. Now if I could just eat like this all the time instead of going crazy on Saturday and Sunday and eating baskets of onion rings, entire pizzas, and chocolate cakes.........